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Condition Serious Hai

Sunday, February 23, 2014

PS: All the moments described in this narration are real incidents from my life itself. So, beware.

Everyone has atleast one college professor they just couldn’t stand—an instructor that was unfair, rude or just insanely boring. But you couldn’t say that to their face. Or do you? :D

Enjoy the read!!

“Arish!” he yelled. “—Get out of my class.”
“Thank you, sir” I replied as I started moving.
Prof. Ajay has always been the biggest misfit of my life. It’s been months to this seesaw game. It must be put to an end now. Enough have we gone through. I’d shoot him in front of my parents if let off with only probation. Alas! Dreams are just dreams.


I joined MMEC after completing my diploma in Mechanical Engineering (ME) from Thapar University, Patiala, for my graduation. Like any other Diplomchi (diploma holder), we entered B. tech direct into the 3rd semester, which basically was our 1st semester here. And we were facing cognitive dissonance as to who, and what sort of, our professors would be.

Day 1- Lecture 1
Dr R D Gupta had our SOM (Strength of Materials). He took our Intro, gave his, and started inquiring about our academic background. An hour passed. He took attendance and left.
There arose a fish market as soon as he left the class. The +2 guys (who joined B. tech after +2) knew each other for a year and the diplomchies were excited to have new friends as well as enemies on the very first day. We never attended a class after 11:00 in diploma. Bunks were our daily supper. But these guys knew nothing about bunks.

“Chal yar. Bahar chalein” I said to Harpreet and we headed towards the corridor.
Harpreet was the only guy in our class who was also with me at Thapar. So basically, he was the only one I knew amongst the 1500 mechanchies (ME students) in our building. And standing in the corridor is like a ritual that needs to be fulfilled after every lecture.

“It’s a fine place, isn’t it?” I exclaimed.
“Yea. The staff is fair enough. But we got to stay alert to the +2 guys, the kiddos.”
The +2 students were more of those infantile tots who never bunked a lecture just with a fear that it’s considered an offence by law for which they’d be hanged to death, or ever more. Silly nincompoop.

Lecture 2: KOM (Kinematics of Machines)
Entered a new professor. He introduced himself as Prof Ajay Sharma, with Masters from some IIT. He scored 95% in his GATE exam and has worked for HONDA for 12yrs. But who the hell was interested. We were busy Facebooking, sitting at the last bench.
"See u soon" I texted.
"I’m standing right here, see me now" said a voice from behind me.
I raised my head to see who the fuck dared to step into my jurisdiction. And shit. Professor!
“Sir I was just…” I tried to explain, thinking he’s an IITian and hence, would be a sensible guy. But he turned up an antonym of what I thought about him. He took my cell phone.
He went back and commenced with his lecture.
Holy shit! Who the hell teaches on day one? Though he seemed a nice guy, but at last, he turned out into a real jerk. Actually, you’d love him if he weren’t so repulsive. Sadly, the odds were greater of him being a pain in the ass.
At the end of the lecture, he took attendance. Skipping mine.
“Sir you missed my attendance.” I said.
“I haven’t.”
“You did miss it, sir.”
“Don’t try to get under my skin. Get back to your seat.”
But I was damn sure he didn’t. “Never mind. We’ll be meeting for the next 5 months or so. Where’d you run?” I said in my mind.

10 days later (Pro/E viva)
Didar sir had our viva that morning. Since he was handed over with 73 students of group-B, he was in a hurry to complete the task. He called 3 guys at a time. But still we had a long queue poising ahead of us. My roll no. was 11101089, 3rd from back. He was asking just 1 question from all, and that too simple ones like ‘what is extrude command’ ‘what is revolve command’ so he could be free as soon as possible. A few of them got the privilege to face questions like ‘What all subjects do you have?’ ‘Which is your favourite one?’
It was my turn, finally. As I entered, I saw Ajay sir sitting along with Didar sir and taking the viva. He asked Aman the full form of Pro/E. But, Aman being a dopey flesh reached galaxy #2. Sir was done with him, so he asked him to leave. His next question was for me. He asked the same question.
“Professional Engineering, sir.” I said.
“What is helical sweep command?” he asked Harpreet. But he didn’t answer.
Sir looked at me.
“Sir it is used to…” I replied the best I could.
I was right and it was Harpreet’s turn once again. And this time, he answered correctly.
“You may go, Harpreet.”
It was just me and the professors now. And I thought Why the hell is he behind my a**? He didn’t ask so many from others. In fact, he didn’t ask at all.
“How to create a spring in Pro/E?”
I explained him the entire procedure, with dimensions.
“It’s wrong.”
I repeated again, thinking I might have been mistaken somewhere.
“It’s wrong. You’ve stopped studying.”
“It’s right sir.” I tried to explain.
“No.” he sighed.
It’s definitely right. I knew. I was quite good at Pro/E. But his confidence made me unsure.
“Why are you being such a bitch to him? He’s right.” spoke Didar sir, defending me.
“You may leave, Arish.”
I left. But I was staring at him continuously. “You’ll pay for it, sir.” I said in my mind.

Ajay sir had 2 lectures the next morning. Keeping in mind, that we were bored in the first 20 min of his 1st lecture, Lovely stood up in the middle of his preaching and said “Sir ki next class bunk hai.”
I agreed. Especially after all that happened in viva the previous day. I was really screwed at him.
Sir looked back. I was talking to Lovely.
“Hmm” he nodded his head and continued with the lecture. An hour of torture finally came to and end and he left.

After 2 more hours, it was KOM, again. So, we asked the previous lecturer to set us free early so we could bunk the next class.
He did.
We moved down. I left after the entire class did. Suddenly, Arush came running up. Run! Run! It’s a raid, prostitutes. Save your life. Run!
I saw Ajay sir coming upstairs. And the entire class following him. We had to attend the lecture now.

Sitting in the last row, I was now a part of the most playful group of our class. Though, the decent of them all, I was always caught for others’ pranks. But still, I enjoyed being caught for the sort of pranks they used to play upon the professors and the +2ies.
As usual, he entered the class 5 minutes before the lecture. Always punctual. He used to preach and demonstrate the hell out of us. He never relieved us from a single lecture of his.
“Sir let us free early just for today.”
“Sir don’t teach today.”
“Don’t allot an assignment today.”
“Do we have to note this as well?”
Atleast he said yes finally. But. Sigh. He was an epitome of sickness.

No matter what he did to me, I always had a feeling of concern for him. I felt pity for all the jests people made over him. So one day I went to his cabin and explained that I was never the nuisance creator. But he never bothered to trust me. And I haven’t yet understood why. Maybe because three rotten fruits are enough to rot a fresh entry.
So do hell with him. We now used to search and correct his poor grammar throughout the lecture. Trust me. He was really bad at it.
He started his lecture on Mechanisms with Lower Pairs. When his phone rings with a Don-2 ringtone. He took his call and started heading towards the door to attend it.
"Ooooooo..." shouted the entire class as he turned his back. That’s the best part of being a mechanchi. No girls in class. No limits of serenity.

“Is this your code of etiquette?” he said.
“Of course, sir” whispered Mandy.
Now that’s his speciality.  He’ll bemock you in front of your eyes and you won’t be able to catch him. And yes, we were in the same back benchers’ group. We were 3 sardars, Harpreet, Mandy and Lovely and just one non-sardar (me).
There was no degree of vignette to his wrath at that moment. He got so livid that to release his annoyance, he started raising random guys to ask questions.
Every question he asked was followed by an answer, plus, a ‘Sachi?’ (Is it so?) by Mandy.
“Yes the guy in blue checks.” he said eyeing me.
“What is a lower pair?”
“Sir, a pair that stands below the higher pair.” I said in a confident voice.
Mandy had a bad habit of laughing unnecessarily.  Especially on such situations.  And so he did.
“Sir why is it always lower?” asked Lovely. (Another PJ)
“You guys know nothing. Don’t know what you’ll do in your life.”
“Sir, how are we supposed to know? You never taught us.”
The class started clearing their throats, coughing, yawning and giggling, one after the other.
“I haven’t got the answer, Mr”
“Is this an IITian glitch, or are you being a jerk about it?” I asked in a voice just short of screaming.
I know it was rude, but he was getting over my head. He canvassed everyone in his furious eyes. But helpless, he got back to his dreadfully wearisome task. The one who keeps teaching inspite the fact that none listens while he speaks. And vice versa, the other times. You begin mastering the fake cautiousness, the major tool that’d get you through his lectures. His first Semester of teaching and thus, our worst Semester of learning.
But the torture for him didn’t end. The nuisance was invincible.

Day 16
He started with Ackerman's Steering Wheel Mechanism as I opened the door.
“May I come in, sir?” I asked.
“Please sir. I’m just 5 min late.”
“Don’t disturb the class. Move out and close the door.”
A raging silence brimmed my head. How could he do that when he usually allows an entry even after 40mins in a 60 min torment? But since I was in the nuttiest group, and since he was a jerk, he didn’t allow. I smashed the door as hard as I could as I left.

Day 17
Next day, I reached the class as soon as he entered. I followed him across the door entering the class like a secret agent. Leaning back against the wall as I walked, pointing fingers like a gun, and looking around with shifty eyes. It was my turn to gravel him now. He gazed. But could do nothing. Poor he.
I joined my other mates at the last bench as sir started teaching numerical on instantaneous centre.
10 min passed. It felt like we had gone through whole lot of a decade or so. Most of the class was sleeping. Or atleast trying to. Except a few nerds. Scribbling every bit of the lecture into their notebooks.
“Sir I didn’t get the point. Please repeat it.” said Harpreet.
He repeats.
“No sir. Still over my head.”
He repeats again. And this time, with a little more effort, and a lot more annoyance on his face.
“Leave it sir. You should learn how to teach.” advised Mandy. “—Do your job properly.”
“Mr Mandy thinks he’s a sophisticated young blood. Can anybody help him out with his misconception?”
He threw a fit over Mandy’s reply. Everybody understood the gravity of the situation. And hence, none spoke up. This time, Prof had a devilish smile growing on his face. Of a sudden, a hand arose. Of course, it was mine. And his smile vanished.
“Oh. So Mr Spikey, you’ll help him?”
“I have no clue what you are talking about sir. But may I go to the washroom? It’s an emergency.”
“Once it’s too late, you won’t be able to stay in the class.” interfered Lovely.
His face was worth watching. But he had no other option than to allow me. Who the hell had to pee or poo? I just took a whole round of the building before getting back in order to skip his lecture as much as I could.
I never had any intentions of screwing him.  Not wanting to recall all that happened @Thapar. But his lectures were a real torture. And the most of all, he was a jerk, turning every intriguing topic into draggy. That made him so deserving. I returned when it was just 10 min for the next lecture, with an excuse of stomach issues. Poor he.
Mandy told me he spent the entire lecture trying to lick his elbow. But unsuccessful. He looked really depressed. I whispered something in his ears and he was happy now.
As he took the attendance, we 4 just rushed out even before he dismissed the class. I saw him gazing at us. Like I care. We didn’t stop.

Day 25
As usual, he was being a jerk, untidying the black board to start the next topic. And first time in the history of mankind, we were sitting in the middle row, middle column. Our chins resting ov’r our hovering hands. Our heads up. And all four of us gazing at the ceiling. He seemed really pissed off. Yea, the jerk.
Then Mandy mused “Oooo... look at that." pointing up towards, literally, nothing. And aahed while gazing at it. Then, the 3 of us also joined him. And within no time, the entire class had their faces embraced over their hands. And I learnt there were 6 fans and 3 tubelights, with 2 beams, in our classroom.
He tried to control, but couldn’t barricade them for long. He was left numb.
Time passed. And by the end of the lecture, it became impossible for him to bear it. And he left.
After 5 minutes, he returned with an application letter quoting whether we wanted him or not, to remain our KOM teacher. He asked all those to sign who wanted him to be replaced.
In their minds, everyone was rushing to sign it.
But you know what. None did.
We actually started liking the new atmosphere of our class.

So, as we expected, he resumed with the lecture. But unexpected, Mandy had a classic weaponry with him. As sir turned his back towards us, he took out a pennywhistle from his pocket and blew into it. Everybody was distracted. He repeated again. Since we didn’t have one, we started POP sounds with our mouth. He kept bearing it for about 10min. Then turned around and as expected, he raised me. His eyes were burning red. Body shivering in rage.
“Who did it?”
“What sir?” I said and included “I just heard you consuming our brains.”
“I’ll deduct your attendance if you don’t name him.”
“I seriously don’t know sir.”
“Fine then, move down the aisle and follow me to the HOD.”
I kicked Mandy so he’d think something out. I cloaked his name so it was his turn to save me now. The Sardar stands up.
“He didn’t do sir. I was sitting just next to him. You can’t torture a student that way.”
“It isn’t that I don’t know about your records, Mr Mandy. You better stay out of this.”
Realizing that Mandy is restrained now, I kicked Lovely for his help.
Lovely stood up and asked the class in a politician’s tone “Did anyone do anything?”
“No.” shouted the class.
“Did anyone hear anything?”
Sir came close and rolled his ear.
“Your father is a good friend of mine. So don’t force me to be a jerk.”
He was actually a jerk. A real ache and this is the only reason why, with time, AS shifted from Ajay sir, to Ajay Sharma. And sometimes, I wish I could add another S after AS to make appear his real self ASS.
So, the last hope left with me was Harpreet. I kicked him.
“Guys, who made the noise?” asked Harpreet.
“Someone from outside” replied the class in a streamlined voice.
“We’ll go to the HOD.” I spoke in between.
“Shut up. Did you complete the assignment I gave last week?” and seeing himself getting entangled, he changed the topic.
“I was just working on it when from nowhere Roshan came and invited me to a party. I had 2 options. Either to reject his invite and complete the assignment, or vice versa. I thought for long and decided- Let the assignment go to hell. It won’t give me beer.”
“Oh! That’s sad. And your partners?” he asked in a caring voice.
“None did, sir.” They replied.
The reality was that we never knew about it. He just informed it to some of his acolytes. Bastards.
“Good. Had beer. Had enough fun. Now keep standing on the desk.”
“But sir…”
 “Do as he says.” whispered Lovely.
We kept on eyeing him time and time again. But he didn’t respond. Just an eye expression saying “Trust me. It’s worth it.”
But all that’s planned, isn’t always the destiny’s play.
He said he has had no food since morning. I looked at my Giordano. It was 3pm. He started feeling low. We asked sir to let him sit down. But sir thought he was pranking and didn’t allow.
With time, his condition worsened and we requested AS. But the results never changed. Every time Lovely sat down without the permit, AS made him to stand again.
Suddenly, Lovely fainted. He fell down and hit the desk.
Everybody started hastening to see what befell him, and if he was fine after that nasty blow. Prof. shouted “somebody pick him up quickly. Make him rest on the table.”
Sumit hurried and fetched water for him. He seemed conscious now. A bit. And somebody from the crowd whispered “Sir you did it. You’re the culprit. You didn't care while he was begging.”
“Who said that? Who said that?” said sir in a disguising voice.
The bang was so loud that by now Professors from adjacent classes also reached the site. AS escaped from the narrow alley.
We carried him to the campus Hospital. Our campus has one of the best hospitals of the area and so we had our best buddy back with us really soon. But they advised complete rest for 2 days along with regular medication.

We returned after an hour. And this time, Lovely was on his own feet. Everybody surrounded him as he entered the class. There was no professor in there.
“I have something to show you guys.” Said Lovely.
He took Rajliwal’s phone. After moving a few lefts and rights, he played a video. Of the entire scene. It was only then we knew it was all a planned play.

Day 45
The bad news is that Prof knows the truth now. We had our SESSIONALs last week. But the worst news is that, as expected from our last mischief, he failed us in the internals as a revenge. Yea, I know. He was a real jerk. He was the ninja with a red pen, and I, with a blue sword, our pranks. Where pen is always mightier than the sword.
It was the end of our bearings. Enough was enough. How could he? It was the end. We had to think of something better, far bad, this time.

He threw me outta the class. As if I cared. I went 3 floors down and started rambling aimlessly. I was just going to move out of the block wen my eyes stopped at a shiny A2 size pamphlet at the notice board. I went close to read it.
ME 2nd year industrial visit next week for a duration of 3 days. And guess what? The incharge, AS.
As soon as the lecture was over, I rushed to others to discuss it. Our smiles broadened.
We registered for it. And for the next couple of days, we didn’t misbehave. It was hell hard. But we had to. For the better.
We used to sit at the last bench, spent listening to music, watching movies on phone, playing subway surfers and sleeping all his lecture, having no intentions of waking up. Just waiting for the right time.

Days passed. Then weeks. And then the day came. We were all ready to head to Solan, about 130km from Mullana. The place had some wonderful industries with abundance of knowledge waiting for us.
The bus was waiting at the University main gate. We entered and occupied the last seats. Soon AS entered, unwary of the potential dangers, which awaited on the way ahead. Our eyes connected for the fraction of a second. He occupied the front, left, window seat. The bus started after a couple of minutes.
Throughout the journey, we didn’t create much nuisance. Just busy amongst ourselves. Chat n chat. Then had a nap.
We could hear fires turn into backfires, getting louder. The bus has reached its destination. Hotel Samrat Regency. We all got down. The hotel was not a 5-star type, but not bad as well. We all entered the hotel and AS consulted the receptionist. The thermometer showed -2° C. It was chill. We started moving towards our room. Ironically, we got 419, adjacent to AS’s 420.
“Be down for dinner in an hour.” He said.
“Yes sir.” All replied.
“Got it, Mr Spikey?” he said in a taunting manner.

We entered the room, falling over the bed. We kept lying for long but I couldn’t sleep. Especially with this feeling of rage overflowing my head and heart. I just wanted to run down the corridor and piece up every single particle of his being.
Harpreet noticed me pondering and said “Any crafty plans, Arish?”
But I was busy. Busy thinking. I got a plan. But it had to be refined before we could frame it up. I discussed with others and after a long debate, we rushed out of our rooms in search of an accomplice who’d help us in achieving this.
We finally got a servant. And explained him the trap. He refused again and again even over severe requests. But there’s one thing no Indian can refuse. Getting bribed. And he agreed.
Soon we all left for dine. Including AS. And that was the best time to set up the apparatus.

“Done with the trap sir. And placed your camera as well.” He whispered as we returned.
“Thanks buddy. Have a good day.”
That night was invested playing cards and with drinks. Chatting included. And randomly calling our exes. Unfortunately, none attended the call.
We were so boozed that we don’t know when we fell asleep.

A screaming sound woke us up next morning. Our heads were really heavy and aching. The Boozer Effect. Lol.
“What’s wrong with this moron?” asked Lovely.
“Don’t know.” I said while washing my face.
“Oh shit. The...”
“The trap. It worked.”

We rushed out to see his condition.
AS was standing in his towel. Still wet. His eyes were hugely huge, like they’d just pop out of their sockets if he hears another boo.
“What happened sir?” I asked.
Though we knew what has happened, but how could we not enjoy such a freakishly OUR’s moment. That was the best part of my revenge. Seeing that cold sweat run down his forehead in severe winters. He won’t bother anyone for long.
We went to his bathroom and inspected every corner of it, pretending like we cared. We took our camera and moved back.
Entered our room, we closed the door from inside and laughed badly. His face, the reaction. We just couldn’t blank that out. He stood numb. Totally out of reactions. We won’t forget his look even after our graduation ends.
We comforted ourselves over the couch and played the video. The beginning was just a still of the bathroom, so we forwarded it.
Soon, we saw him standing in his jumbo sized undergarments, in front of the mirror. Adjusting his hair, he was now talking to his muscles.
Next, he sat down and filled the mug with steamy hot water and poured over his head. The room soon got misty. He was singing a song; my name is Sheila. Sheila ki jawani…
After taking bath he got up to wipe his body. As he advanced his hand to take the towel, his eyes caught a glimpse of the mirror. And his eyeballs expanded. He tried to speak, but his tongue betrayed him. His face was supercharging like a pressure cooker, still helpless of shouting.

The pic has been edited to make the words clearer

And he started screaming at the maximum pitch he could. At deafening amplitudes. As if he saw a live ghost emerging from nowhere. Or like lizard approaching a naked lassie. We rolled in the aisles, splitting our sides as he blacked out.

MORAL: No matter how sincere the student is, never ever try to get over his nerve.
This post is written for Indiblogger’s 5 Star #ConditionSeriousHai Contest

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